Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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