yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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