At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
