any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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