im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize