PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
