I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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