I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
