the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
