you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
