I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
