I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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