Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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