he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
