my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
