More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I looked at my own cervix.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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