now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
