I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
