I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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