If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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