she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
