you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
