I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
PANTIES FOUND
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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