So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
