Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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