I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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