Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
