I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
