you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
