my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
