You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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