...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
