I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
