You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
