I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
