last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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