I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
