On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
