Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
