I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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