i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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