i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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