dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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