okay pat passed out under dana's car
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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