I'm gonna have a badass scar
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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