some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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