He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
