Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
