The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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