She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
