so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize