She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
