Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
