i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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