Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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