sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
