he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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