At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
