I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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